The aftermath of a family secret part 1.

What are the next steps when you a family secret comes out? Is there a blue print or a how to guide of how to deal with it or haw to handle it? Are you supposed to talk about it? Or don’t talk about it? What do you do? I thought about what are the next steps for that young lady on “Iyalna: fix my life”. Where will she go? How will she heal? What will she do next? There are clearly people around her that would much rather give in to her anger then really talk about the issue.  Are they helping or hurting?

One thing I didn’t tell you about my story is after I learn about my own family secret was how everyone else around me treated me after I finally found out. Not knowing something that everyone knows is like being blinded folded and trying to walk down the street while everyone else around you can see that there really isn’t a street to walk down.

The moment that my brother told me that my “mom” wasn’t my mom, and my “sister” was my mom. My whole world went upside down. The 1^st question was so if I have another mother out there why didn’t she raise me? Who was she? Where is she? So being in middle school and dealing with an identity crisis isn’t fun I can tell you that I was a black girl lost and I was angry and confused. There was one person in my life whom I felt that no matter what I could be safe with and that was my father’s mother, my grandma. She was a true old school short little black woman who walked around in her house coat and her slippers dragging her feet shuffling around her house with a bonnet on her head or a wig, lol you know the salt and pepper wig that almost every older black women own. And she only wears it to church or to “make market”. She was also the type of women would always wanted to feed you even if you wasn’t hungry. She was my best friend and the one person that had my back no matter what.

So one weekend we went to my grandma’s this was very typical we would go over to her house almost every other weekend. This weekend was extra exciting for me because it was right after I found out the news and my parents were still trying to lie about it at this point. I needed this visit so bad I need to talk to someone, I needed some type of comfort and I knew she would give me. As soon as the car stop I jumped out so fast…now that I think about it the car might have been almost stopped, lol. I didn’t care I needed my grandma…I busted through that door ran to her room and jump in her bed. She had that type of bed you had to jump in because it was so high. She must have known that I needed her not to say anything and I just wanted her arms around me. She smelled like bengay and moth balls. Which might have not been the best smell in the world but it was the small of my grandmother, and it smelled good to me because it was her sent!  I can never forget it. So after the longest hug in the world she pulls me away from her grabs my chin and looks me in my face and tells me, “you only need to get answers from one person and I think you should go and get them. Now I wish I had more for you but I don’t, I love you and don’t you ever forget that I AM YOUR GRANDMA” I didn’t have a change to even talk and that women knew what to say. Now mind you I’m 10 and I have no idea how to even process all this nor did I have the words to say, but she knew what I needed when I didn’t even know. And for me that was the only thing I needed to know that it was true YES I was not being raised by my biological parents.

So once my parents got out of their own denial and told me the truth. I had planned to meet this mystery woman that same summer and after that I planned to go back to my grandma’s house to tell her the news about my trip. During the next few months the truth started to come out more and more. Let me tell you news travels FAST and this was wayyy before the internet or social media, cell phones, texting or any of that. Every time we went to another family member’s house someone was always saying something to me. Again let me remind you I’m around 9/10 years old when I found out and I’m still trying to deal with it. What annoyed me about everything was how people treated me…those older called brothers and sisters teased me, those same brothers and sisters told me that I was now their niece and to stop calling them sister or brother. Other family members I felt like didn’t even talk to me. Family members told me to stop calling my mom and dad…mom and dad because they weren’t my parents. There was so much gossip I just couldn’t take it. I most avoided even getting out the car when we went places because I didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say about me or the new realization I found out. I was the black sheep an outcast and the one thing that didn’t fit. My ties to the family had changed now and I felt as if I was in the “cool kids club” anymore.

I tell this story because in a family when a secret comes out no one really knows how to deal with it. My parent avoided it, siblings teased me, some people avoided me, and others just acted like nothing even happened. Heck there were still people acting like it was a secret. How are you supposed to act once you know what everyone else already knew? And how that you do know why are people treating you different? I’m the same person... right?