Respect

How do you show and command respect at the same damn time? I have this issue and not a clue how to fix it.

I'm adopted and I have 12 other brothers and sisters. Most of whom live about hour from each other a few live out of the state. I mention this for a reason which I will get to later.

Our parents live about 5 to 6 hours away from all of the kids, I'm probably the furthest. They routinely take that 5+hour drive for various reasons and come to town when they do they need somewhere to stay.

• Now here is my point.... they only stay with me. They usually don't ask and usually don't tell me they are coming, they show up at my house ( yes they have a key... instant regrets about that).

So my issue is why me??? My parents have other kids they can stay with why burden me? Now I know your thinking but they are your parents they raised you and all that jazz and yes your right. Im grateful to my parents because they chose to raise me they picked me to be their child and that's special to me... however I'm an adult and like they use to tell me... this is my house and my rules!!!!

What blows me is I dont feel like they respect me or my home. They come create disorder in my place of peace. Who wants to come home to guest after a long day of work to guest that you didnt expect and they want you to cook dinner? TF?

Waymin.... I didnt send for you....dont come for me.

My issue is I want respect.. I want my parents to know they have to ask to stay at my house, this is a place that they are always welcomed however there are rules you gotta follow. Hell they are the ones who taught me to always call before you pop up at someones house. Sooo why are the rules different? I have a family of my own that I have to worry about I cant really be too concerned about my parents they are grown.

How do you command respect and give respect when you are asking an older generation especially if they are your parents?

Inquiring minds need to know? Any thoughts?樂

The "SINGLE" mentally

Something I dont understand is the single mentally. Such as when women says they're a single mother when the father of their child is very active. No boo your not a single mother your SINGLE. Point blank period. Why do some women call themselves single mother's? Its like they want someone to feel sorry for them or they want to feel like their struggle so great  when in all actuality its not. Now dont get me wrong being the primary parent is by no means easy. Having to deal with the daily needs of a child can be taxing on the mind and soul. Im no longer with the father of my children and I dont not .......will not consider myself a single mother. Why??? Cause my children's father are very active. Being single mean there are no breaks, no father no nothing. If that man is doing something even paying child support then sis you anit doing it alone you have help. If that man isn't paying child support but spends time with the child... sis you anit a single mother.. your SINGLE!

So stop playing the victim we do not feel sorry for you having to raise your child and that you're the primary parent. Maybe next time you would think twice about who you lay with.

I know of this one chick who had two kids by two different men and sis was struggling hard. It seemed she couldn't get her life together and then she got a new job, new house and a car. Then she got pregnant again this time with twins
.....now what I dont understand was if you was struggling with the two kids and getting little to no help with the kids you already had.. why would you repeat history? And then complain about being a "SINGLE" mother? Are you single because the men you picked sucked or are you single by choice? To me it feels like a choice after the 1st time its a choice. You know what they say instantly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And you know sometimes your in a relationship and it doesn't work out, it happens...move on and do your best at co parenting. Dont break up and soon after that start calling yourself a single mother.. no sis your single.

What are your thoughts on what a SINGLE mother is? To me it means a mom that does it day in day out no help physically or financially. A women that has to hold it down because there is no one else is there to support her. Any kid of help from the father does not qualify you to be a single mom even if it's he does it today and doesn't do it for a couple of months and then comes back today and doesn't do it for another couple months you're not a single mother. What that means is your baby daddy ain't s*** and he's not consistent but you're still not a single mother.

Lets talk about it... what makes a SINGLE mother?

Alone.

The older I get Im noticing my priorities change. I notice I dont wanna hang out late anymore. Going to the club is now exchanged with hanging out with my TV. Getting "lit" is in the past when you are over 30 with kids and a man. But why as women do we do that? Why do we exchange our friends for our family? Can you have it both?

I find myself foregoing events with friends for the chance to experience it with either my kids or my man. Why? Cant I have it both ways? Cant I enjoy my girl time and my family time?

As a women sometimes we give too much of ourselves for others in return we expect the same and get mad when we don't get. Is that far?

I get lost and confused navigating the balance between family and friends.

Why does it seem like black man are financially un-stable?

The playing field usually isn’t leveled when it comes to black women and black men in finances. In dating I have noticed that most black men that I have dated usually are not financially strong or stable. Now in my early 20’s it wasn’t a big thing because I myself wasn’t financially stable. In our 20’s we are all dealing with student loan debt, credit cards debt, and other financial burdens. We are just starting this thing called “adutling” and we are usually not very good at it when we start. But at what point does the playing field become so un-leveled? The older I get and start to get the grown under my feet more leveled, I have noticed that I’m usually more financially stable then the men that I date, why is that the case? I think as women age we are looking for more stability from our men. We want to get married eventually and have a family and live the dream. But that dream of happily ever after usually is hard to come by when dealing with a person that has a lot of financial debt coming into the relationship. Both men and women usually have some type of burden whether its kids, a crazy ex, or debt.

 What has happened? Now I understand that life happens and we all go down different paths, some have it easier than others and I get why some can’t get on a level playing field.  I wanted to know why black men are not more financially successful. Even at work I have noticed there are no black men in manager or executives roles. So I did some research and I talked to a few black men and I asked them WHY? Now in doing my research it showed a lot of different reasons why black men are less financially stable compared to others. A few reasons why black men tend to be less stable financially was because black men do not want credit cards and usually avoid obtaining loans or credit cards which means they don’t build credit this way. BUT when they do have credit cards black men are less likely to be able to pay them off which will means having negative credit history. I kind of think this is because our parents would tell us NOT to get a credit card and how bad they were. Which is true getting a credit card can be bad but they shouldn’t be avoided. Another factor was the access to financial education. Black men tend to have less access to getting financial information due to their location, such as not having access to a traditional bank. All this made a lot of sense to me but I thought about it more, black women live in the same neighborhoods and we usually are okay with finding the information we need. There is so much Racial inequality that it blows my mind, just look at the data that I found from the PEW Research Center:

  

So I asked a few black men and their reason where:

Having to pay child support (back child support affecting credit)

Not have any support

Not getting a tax return due to child support

Doing things for others

Not thinking about bills and forgetting to pay them

Losing jobs (being unemployed)

Not being able to find a good paying job

And the list goes on. These reasons are legit reason why some men can’t seem to get it together. But on the same hand I think its just an excuse. And as a primary parent of two kids I have a huge financial burden each and every day. I make due because I have to, I  can’t give my children an excuse of why I can’t do something or tell the bill collector that they anit getting paid. Now granted as a women I’m afforded with things to make my life a little easier such as getting large tax returns, food stamps, day care vouchers, child support and other social service services things to help out, but not all mothers can get these services especially mothers that “make too much money” which still is annoying that they consider making too much money anything over $35K for a household of 3 like really? 

Anyway….my own personal story is in my 20’s I had horrible credit I mean your girl was in the 500’s. I had a few credit cards, student loans, a judgement against me, and hospital bills from having my kids. I was drowning in debt. Each year when I would get tax money back I would pay off whatever bills I could but I would usually end up using my credit cards again. So each year I was paying off the previous years credit cards balance. There came a point that I thought this wasn’t working. I was getting $6K in a tax returns each year and I was wasting it on silly stuff.  YES I was that chick in the mall ballin' outta control during tax time.

So I started to save it and let those returns build up. I also went back to school and took out loans in excess of what I needed a few times to get a student refund and used that money to help pay bills and live. Now I do not recommend doing that but for me it was something I had to do in order to live. Most of my 20’s was just cleaning up the mess I have made for myself financially. And in my 30’s I started to come up for air. By the time I was 30 I had bought my 1^st house and brought my credit score went from a 550 to a 725 in 5 years. By the time I was 32 I had amounted $50K in assets including investments and home equity. My children also have investments for when they go to college. So when I think about my own story and the crap I had to go through I know it is possible.

But when I date I feel like what are these men doing? How you are over 35 and still don’t have your crap together? And I hate to think like that because I don't know their story or what had happen, BUT when ask these men and listening I'm just looking at them like AND YOUR POINT SIR? I still don't understand how some of these men don't have their crap together and as women we usually do or have to get our crap together. I don’t fault my kings because I don’t know their struggle. I do wish there was more I could do one to understand it more and to help.

What I do know as a mother of two kings it’s my job to make sure my sons have a healthy understanding of finances and wealth. Hopefully I can teach them something and help them in some way. I do know that our parents and the generations before us talk enough about finances and I think that has hurt us some. So my question still stands why aren't more black men financially strong compared to black women and if they are how did they do it? What are your thoughts?

My Student Loans Can Kiss My A$$

I was reading this blog about how a single mom was dealing with having to pay back student loans and I must say this blog was EVERYTHING! This is how I feel every time when my automatic debt comes out of my account for my massive student loans.  Read it!

Why I simply Dont Give a Damn About my $100k+

I went to community college right after high school because I was not ready for a real 4 year college and I dint have the grades either. I graduated high school with a .74…how you say, I only had one class my last year of high school and I had work study for the rest of my school day. 

So when I got out of high school moved about an hour away and went to a community college. I moved far enough that I felt the experience of going to college but not too far because I still needed my parents.

I meet a guy and ended up getting pregnant. Me and the guy moved in and played house for a while. And when that didn’t work I moved back home. Meanwhile i took some time off for college. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about college. Everyone would tell me that you need a college education if you want to go anywhere so I went back after having my 1^st kid. Then I got pregnant again with my 2^nd son. I know I know ...don't judge me....So at this point I really don’t know what to do. I have two kids at this point, do I go back to school or not? After some time away from school I went back to school after someone told me about an Online university that you can do and you don’t have to step foot on a campus. 

SO I was down and decided that I would rather go to school online when I felt like it vs having to go to class and trying to find someone to watch my boys.

NO ONE told me that going to school online would end up costing me over $100K in student loans. I mean I knew I had racked up a lot of student loans but I didn’t think it costed me over $100K….I had a true WTF moment. Like how sway….HOW???????

So I was dreading the day that school was going to be over because how in the world was I going to pay back this loan? I had read articles and heard of people having to pay back $1200+ a month in student loans. That was more then what I was paying in rent at the time. I was making less than $40k a year and taking care of two boys alone. 

I was really stressing because I had no clue what I was going to do. So I as I got ready for school to be done at the same time my lease was almost up at my apartment and I wanted to move. Was I going to move into another apartment  or what? I had toyed with the idea of buying a home but I didn't know if I was ready or about that home ownership life yet. After talking about it with a few friends, boyfriend and co worker I thought,  might as well. 

I was a few month shy of my 30^th birthday when I bought my first house and then later I bought my 1^st car. So far everything was looking good.

 BUT then my last class finished up and I was officially done with school. Its 2016 and I have an Associate’s degree in business, a Bachelor’s degree in Finance and a MBA in finance. I wanted to get a job in corporate finance but I keep running into the same issue you don’t have enough experience….of course I don’t I just got out of school…duh…Why do companies require you to have all this experience plus your degree when they are just going to train you how THEY do the process at THEIR company? Makes no sense to me.

Really?

Meanwhile I’m still stressing about my student loans when a good coworker of mines told me about student loan forgiveness that the government give those who has student loans. I was pumped so I looked it up Department of Education to see just what she was talking about and they had a few options on ways to help pay back student loans. So I applied thinking nothing much was going to come from it because it all sounded too good to be true and in a few months I got a letter saying that I was approved for the student loan prepayment option and my 1^st payment would be .15! YUP 15 CENTS!!! I was about to pay a years worth of payments if was the whole entire amount.

I was PUMPED I sure did send them their .15! And I did so for a few months. Then after about 6 months I had to send more information and then they upped my payment to $15 a month for a year. Each year you have to re-apply and update your information. I’m on the re payment plan called pay as you earn or income based repayment option.

 So my payment is based on how much I earn. Which is not a bad deal. And after 120 payments my loans will be forgiven which is about 10 years (if you work for the state or government) or 20 years if you work in the public sector. IM GAME!

So I owe over $100K in student loans and I don’t even care. My credit score is a 725 and I own my home with $50+ in equity and I’m not even worried or stressed.

If I had to do it all over again I would. I would definitely be more mindful about how much loan money I was using AND about getting those fat refund checks…which is money that I gotta pay back. But at the end of the day when I look at ALL 3 of my college degrees it makes me proud that as a black single mother of 2 boys I did it. No one can take away the fact that I have 3 college degrees. I DID THAT! So I’m not going to feel bad about it or worry every time I look at Credit Karma my balance is just as much as my house, lol. 

Debt is something we will always have in life and something we can’t run from. I’m glad that it is being managed and it’s something that isn’t hurting my overall credit score.

So I say to those who are not sure about getting a student loan…do what’s best for you. But don’t stress over spilled milk, get a cat to lick it up for you!

SO I say the hell with my student loans they can kiss my entire ass!!!

Moving on from bitterness

There was a time when I was bitter. I was bitter because I felt wronged and I was angry. I didn’t know yet how to deal with my anger so I turned it into bitterness. Bitterness for my situation that I felt I was in because of the actions of others. I was bitter because I felt that I was wronged by someone that I thought had my back and I was bitter for being left alone. I was bitter for a few years to the point I could not let anyone in. I fought against everyone and everything and my reasoning behind it was its everyone else issue not mines because I knew who I was or at least I thought I knew who I was. I was angry at someone for years because they put me in my position of hopelessness. “They did this to me”, “it was their fault”, I would tell myself and I was stuck in bitterness.

So are bitter? If so then why? Are you jealous? Do you hold grudges and you act out to get attention? Are you always negative or a Debbie downer? When we are bitter how many of us really will admit to that? It’s easy to say that your mad or you don’t like something but how many of us are willing to say that we are bitter? And if you admit to it do you know why? I know of some women and men  that have been bitter for YEARS and I just don’t understand how you can be stuck in one emotion for so long? And it also makes me want to ask  if that is how you feel after all these years what have you done to change the situation?

Are you going to be the change you wanna see?   I think for me I hate when I see people that look like me (black) stuck in one negative emotion. If you complain about finding a man okay well what are you doing to find one? If you tried online dating try something else…if you have tried more than 2 or 3 things then maybe it’s not your time to find a man. you are letting your frustrating of cant finding someone turn you bitter. IF your complain about your child’s father look at the situation and see what you can do to change if…if you have tried everything then ask yourself why are you really mad? Are you mad that he has moved on and you haven’t? Or are you mad that you are the primary parent and you have to take on all the reasonability? Either way your anger isn’t going to help you raise a child. I can understand the frustration of having to be the sole parent and seeing the other parent not having to struggle or be a part of the daily parenting but that’s life. The only thing you can control is your home and what you do…what the other parent is doing isn’t going to do anything for you but frustrate you and then make you bitter about it.

The way I moved on from bitterness is I questioned myself.  I wanted to know why I was mad. So since I asked the question now I have to find the answer. After confronting those who I felt wronged me I realized something.  The only person that is going to care about you is you. And I had to realize that people are going to do what they feel is best for them and sometimes that means at your expense. I thought I was mad at the person who I felt done me wrong, whole time I should have realized that the person did what they needed to do to protect them and I need to do the same. Now I’m not excusing people who are out here doing harm to people or who are out here trying to hurt someone but what I’m saying is once you feel that a person has wronged you how are you doing to move on from it?

If your baby daddy left you and now your mad…..how are you going to move on from it?

If your boyfriend broke up with you after 5 years…how are you going to move on from it?

If you take 5 steps forward just to be knocked down 8…how are you going to move on from it?

I think when you are stuck in one emotion and you can’t move on…the problems is yours now and you cant blame anyone but you.

The aftermath of a family secret part 1.

What are the next steps when you a family secret comes out? Is there a blue print or a how to guide of how to deal with it or haw to handle it? Are you supposed to talk about it? Or don’t talk about it? What do you do? I thought about what are the next steps for that young lady on “Iyalna: fix my life”. Where will she go? How will she heal? What will she do next? There are clearly people around her that would much rather give in to her anger then really talk about the issue.  Are they helping or hurting?

One thing I didn’t tell you about my story is after I learn about my own family secret was how everyone else around me treated me after I finally found out. Not knowing something that everyone knows is like being blinded folded and trying to walk down the street while everyone else around you can see that there really isn’t a street to walk down.

The moment that my brother told me that my “mom” wasn’t my mom, and my “sister” was my mom. My whole world went upside down. The 1^st question was so if I have another mother out there why didn’t she raise me? Who was she? Where is she? So being in middle school and dealing with an identity crisis isn’t fun I can tell you that I was a black girl lost and I was angry and confused. There was one person in my life whom I felt that no matter what I could be safe with and that was my father’s mother, my grandma. She was a true old school short little black woman who walked around in her house coat and her slippers dragging her feet shuffling around her house with a bonnet on her head or a wig, lol you know the salt and pepper wig that almost every older black women own. And she only wears it to church or to “make market”. She was also the type of women would always wanted to feed you even if you wasn’t hungry. She was my best friend and the one person that had my back no matter what.

So one weekend we went to my grandma’s this was very typical we would go over to her house almost every other weekend. This weekend was extra exciting for me because it was right after I found out the news and my parents were still trying to lie about it at this point. I needed this visit so bad I need to talk to someone, I needed some type of comfort and I knew she would give me. As soon as the car stop I jumped out so fast…now that I think about it the car might have been almost stopped, lol. I didn’t care I needed my grandma…I busted through that door ran to her room and jump in her bed. She had that type of bed you had to jump in because it was so high. She must have known that I needed her not to say anything and I just wanted her arms around me. She smelled like bengay and moth balls. Which might have not been the best smell in the world but it was the small of my grandmother, and it smelled good to me because it was her sent!  I can never forget it. So after the longest hug in the world she pulls me away from her grabs my chin and looks me in my face and tells me, “you only need to get answers from one person and I think you should go and get them. Now I wish I had more for you but I don’t, I love you and don’t you ever forget that I AM YOUR GRANDMA” I didn’t have a change to even talk and that women knew what to say. Now mind you I’m 10 and I have no idea how to even process all this nor did I have the words to say, but she knew what I needed when I didn’t even know. And for me that was the only thing I needed to know that it was true YES I was not being raised by my biological parents.

So once my parents got out of their own denial and told me the truth. I had planned to meet this mystery woman that same summer and after that I planned to go back to my grandma’s house to tell her the news about my trip. During the next few months the truth started to come out more and more. Let me tell you news travels FAST and this was wayyy before the internet or social media, cell phones, texting or any of that. Every time we went to another family member’s house someone was always saying something to me. Again let me remind you I’m around 9/10 years old when I found out and I’m still trying to deal with it. What annoyed me about everything was how people treated me…those older called brothers and sisters teased me, those same brothers and sisters told me that I was now their niece and to stop calling them sister or brother. Other family members I felt like didn’t even talk to me. Family members told me to stop calling my mom and dad…mom and dad because they weren’t my parents. There was so much gossip I just couldn’t take it. I most avoided even getting out the car when we went places because I didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say about me or the new realization I found out. I was the black sheep an outcast and the one thing that didn’t fit. My ties to the family had changed now and I felt as if I was in the “cool kids club” anymore.

I tell this story because in a family when a secret comes out no one really knows how to deal with it. My parent avoided it, siblings teased me, some people avoided me, and others just acted like nothing even happened. Heck there were still people acting like it was a secret. How are you supposed to act once you know what everyone else already knew? And how that you do know why are people treating you different? I’m the same person... right?